Free
Ya’ll know me as Free but that hasn’t always been my name. Free is a name I got one night while I was out there trying to find myself. One of them nights when I was wondering who the hell I was and where and the hell I fit in, in this world. I never had the opportunity to really feel good about me. You know Free. That’s one of the main reasons I started getting high. When I got high I didn’t care about what other people thought.
I was on my way to Johnny’s with Clora trying to score some shit. We knew that Johnny would sell it to us for what we had as long as we shared a hit with him. Clora was getting on my nerves complaining about how cold it was outside.
I finally just said “Bitch shut the fuck up and walk, I bet your ass gon be warm when you get this hit. You gon walk yo ass outside like its summer time or some shit.” Clora looked at me and started laughing.
“Girl you just say whatever is on your mind, I’m gon start calling you Free.” We both started laughing and kept walking to Johnny’s house.
When we got there he sold us the shit and made us smoke some with him. I mean we knew he was going to do that shit, but I always let the motha sucka no how I felt about it. I mean shit yeah he was doing us a favor but damn! By the time he got done hitting the shit, most of it was gone.
“Let us hit it first motha fucka before you hit it nigga. Yo deep throat ass gon inhale all that shit the fuck up.” I told him.
As usual both he and Clara start laughing like they was crazy. “Free you need to be a comedian, I swear.” Clara said while she hit the pipe. Johnny looked at Clara like she was crazy.
“Why you calling her Free, I thought her name wa- .
Clara cut him short before he could finish by knocking the ashtray on the floor.
“Damn you clumsily as hell girl when you get high, you fucking up my house and shit!” Johnny told Clara with an attitude.
“Aww nigga shut the fuck up this shit is nasty as hell any way, my dropping that ashtray aint gon make a damn bit of difference in this nasty ass hole!” Clara said angrily.
I started laughing my ass off. They did this shit every time we came over here. I decided to stop them before they started fighting and shit. Then we wouldn’t be able to come get no shit for the low for awhile.
“She call me Free cause she say, that I say whatever is on my mind.” Johnny looked at me and shook his head. “She right, it fits.”
“I told you.” Carla said to me as she passed me the pipe. When I took it from her hands something came over me. My hands started to shake a little bit in anticipation of the high that I knew I was about to feel. I don’t give a shit what nobody say crack is a motha fucka.
As I lit the end of it I began to think of all the different things that were going on in my life. I was lonely as hell and hurt. I decided that I liked the name Free. I decided that I would always be just that free as hell.
All my life I’ve had to deal with bullshit. Bullshit in my house, bullshit on the streets. It seemed like everybody around me looked down on me and all I wanted was somebody to love me. Somebody or something to cling to, to have. I was tired of the tears, the pain, and the abuse.
When I smoked crack for a brief second all of that shit went away. All of my insecurities all of my darkness would be gone for a split second. But when I came back to reality the bullshit was still there, which made me run back to the crack. And this cycle just continued until I just decided to drop everything else. No wait until I decided to run from everything else and just get high.
I gave up so much for that high. I gave up my family, my babies, but most of all I gave up on myself, I found myself up shit creek without a damn paddle; and no land in sight!
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